


Hidden Lives

by LadyPJMoon



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Bashing, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Multi, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, gay themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-16 18:46:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8113366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyPJMoon/pseuds/LadyPJMoon
Summary: When Leeteuk returns from completing his 2 year military service commitment the leader discovers that his best friend Kangin has made some serious life-altering changes in his life...the most significant being his sexual orientation from straight to bisexual.





	1. Saving Princess

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kangteuk_OTP](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Kangteuk_OTP).



> A/N & Warning: This is a love story based on a relationship between two friends. If you don't believe that love should be shared between two consenting male adults then don't read this story because it will only upset your delicate sensibilities and any stupid remarks you make will be deleted...
> 
> This story is my own brain baby, from beginning until the end, and the only factoids held within the unbound digital covers are the Korean Idol names and very loose depictions of their relationships. 
> 
> Please remember, I AM NOT a professional psychiatrist nor psychologist in any way, shape or form and you should not place faith in any of the practices described within this book as clinical proof for any health related issues—please seek professional help!!!
> 
> To continue, this is an ongoing chapter series that delves into the seriously dark underbelly of not being raised in a perfect world. The changing of your sexual orientation and/or gender role reversal can be a long, painful process. This road is not paved making such tolerance and guidance almost non-accessible to most of the world’s 7.1 billion people. This doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to mental health issues and self-torture aspects associated with these changes. A person can be presented with singular or multiple problems when trying to process and deal with everyone else’s hang-ups on top of their own. 
> 
> Also note that I don’t advocate nor presume someone to be gay based on the fan service and skin-ship practices, which is common among the Korean Idol bands, because it's just rude—and none of my business—let’s just say I have an unrequited wish in this area...
> 
> So yes, I do harbor a certain affinity for a number of the Idol couples and Kangteuk is definitely one of them (Taekook being another). Although I don’t mean any disrespect to the members, their families or fans, I do understand that my personal perception of their personalities, character actions and sexual behavior are just that...mine. I don’t expect nor convey my ideals to you, the reader, at any point but respectfully ask that you read for enjoyment and perhaps gain some tolerance toward your fellow man and their personal struggles. 
> 
> Happy Reading!  
> ^_^ PJ

 

** [Had Enough_Lifehouse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOxheau32lM&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=7) **

(Drowning in the silent screaming with nothing left to say)

 

Kangin wasn’t in the mood for any more drama or silly shit tonight—his sanity was already hanging by a frayed-fucking-thread and his tolerance hit a wall about 20 minutes after they arrived.

He still couldn’t believe what he overheard—the Company’s CEO telling Heechul to place Leeteuk at his table, next to his wife’s sister, for dinner. 

_What the fuck was that about?  And, that’s not even what has him pissed off—it was the abuse of the man’s power and his demeaning words toward his friend_

_...that’s what he couldn’t wrap his goddamn mind around._

_Fuck, he was proud of Heechul for declining that stupid request and stating how ridiculous that shit would look to his family, friends and fans._

 

But, the executive fucktard had to cross the line—he took one step toward Heechul and lowered his voice, “I don’t give a goddamn what anyone thinks!  My wife’s sister is in town and she’s a huge fan!”

Kangin had moved closer to the conversation in order to hear each venomous word the wretched man spit out but, Kangin wasn’t aware of his fists balling at his sides and the stain of red creeping up his neck.

Heechul didn’t notice Kangin’s presence as he closed his mouth and dropped his head in a low bow as the executive continued his rant, “And if you value your job— _you little prick_ — _shut_ the fuck up and _color_!”

By the CEO’s last statement, the needle to Kangin’s fun meter was buried so far into the red he was about two steps and one choke-hold away from a murder scene.

After the despicable man left, Kangin watched Heechul make the seating change and then he went to the side door—stopped and cast a glance back over the room, wiped his face, then slipped out of the room unnoticed by anyone except himself. 

Kangin scrutinized Heechul’s every movement— _waiting for something and not sure exactly what_ —but, then there it was... _that look_.

Kangin was moving way before his brain registered the random possibility— _fuck me_ —he busted through the door of the band’s private room, scaring the shit out of Yesung and Ryeowook, as he found his backpack and riffled through it.

He pulled out a small black pouch, whipped around then flew past his band mates...when he hit the hall he was running on pure fear and adrenaline.

Princess was about 2.3 seconds away from an internal meltdown and he was looking for a safe crash site—Kangin had to find him before Princess did something regrettable...or permanent.

_Kangin was well acquainted with that look and the feelings that accompanied it—Jesus, that look—it haunted his dreams and stared back at him in the mirror every morning._

_Hold on Princess, please!  Fuck, I gotta think...where could he go?  Kangin kept moving, trying to get inside the man’s head._

_He could read those signs a mile away—it was familiar territory—he’d been on that road for what seemed like forever...driving 80 clicks without lights and a white-knuckle grip on the steering wheel, over a winding dirt road facing oncoming traffic with no exit in sight and nowhere safe to pull over._

_In the back of his head, Kangin new the reality of that road—there **was** one detour—and it beckoned seductively but, it was impossible to navigate at any speed.  It was a nightmare-ish, unplanned, last stand that even he, in his own fucked up mental capacity, had never had the courage to attempt and he’d be goddamned if he’d let anyone in his life take it while there was still a single breath left in his body! _

_Kangin only knew of one place inside the hotel that would allow Heechul the level of privacy and peace he needed to do something stupid—the kitchen’s lavatory._

 

* * *

 

 

**[Decode_Paramore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvnkAtWcKYg&index=2&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6) **

(How did we get here, I used to know you so well...)

 

Kangin picked up his pace and hit the double doors with a solid thud—he takes an immediate left following the outer wall around to the rear of the kitchen where the bathrooms were located.

_Kangin loved this room—it was decorated in variegated teal and brown tones with immaculate gold trim and boasted a huge brass,_

_V_ _enetian water fountain in the center of the sitting room surrounded by large oriental vases filled with fresh-blooming_

_jasmine that only added to the overall tranquility of the space._

 

He took a deep breath bracing himself as he pushed through the door to the adjoining room that housed the wash basins to his right and the toilets to his left.   The main hall led to an open archway and farther down to the locker rooms.  Kangin continued straight, toward the showers—until he heard a soft sobbing sound, that damn near brought him to his knees... _thank Christ!_  

He slipped silently passed each private bath until he found Heechul curled up on a wood dressing bench with his face buried against the cold marble wall.

Kangin sat down behind him and pulled the man into his arms, “God!  Come here...”

Heechul lets out a frightened scream, “YAH!”

Kangin pulls him tighter, “Jesus!” 

Heechul pushes him away, “Kangin?”

Kangin exhales, as he leans the man back against the wall, wiping at his tears, “Fuck!  I think you scared the sin out of me!”

Heechul freaks, “What the hell!”

_Kangin rubs his palm over his face and trying to slow his pounding heart—fuck me—at this rate I’m guaranteed a goddamn heart attack!_

 

Heechul continues his ranting, “I just needed a break, alright?  Can’t I please just have a goddamn minute to myself?  What do you want?  Why are you stalking me?”

Kangin’s heart breaks and he pulls the man into his strong arms, “ **This** is **not** your fault, Princess!”

Heechul sobs, “What do you know—”

Kangin releases a heavy sigh, “I overheard the conversation—and don’t you **dare** waste good tears on that **fucking** assclown!”

Heechul pulls away, eyes down, shaking his head, “ **I** wrecked everything...”

Kangin pulls his chin up looking his friend in the eye, “No, **he** tried but the only thing ruined around here is...your makeup.  Shit, you look like a fucking crack whore.  Sit back so I can fix this mess.”

Heechul sniffles then laughs, “Fucker...” then inches forward letting his feet touch the floor, “How’d you...find me?”

Kangin tilts his head, “Am I that pathetic, I don’t know you?”

Heechul frowns, “Uhm...”

Kangin narrows his eyes at Heechul, “Don’t answer that...” 

Heechul smirks like a 12 year old with a secret, “You _care_?”

Kangin drops his face hiding his emotions, “That _sorry piece of shit_ threatened you— _in front of m_ e—I haven’t been that angry in a long time.”

Heechul grabs a hold of his wrist, “I—I’m sorry Kangin...I never meant to...”

Kangin stretches his neck and sighs, “Don’t change the subject—I may not be affectionate like Leeteuk or Siwon but I’m extremely p _rotective_ of my brothers.”

Heechul wraps him in a smothering hug, “Brother Bear!”

Kangin rolls his eyes groaning “ _Jesus, Disney!_ ” then pushes him away catching a glimpse of his face, “Shit, this damage is seriously beyond my human powers, Princess.”

Heechul chuckles taking the bag from him, “Give me that before your average skills have me looking like a juicy girl.”

Heechul stands up and heads to the wash basin pulling at Kangin’s sleeve to follow.

Kangin tags along.  He leans against the wall watching Heechul dab, smear, blend and brush colors over his face until his tear-streaked skin is replaced with a mask of beauty and perfection.  

He shoots Kangin a smile that makes his eyes squint, “How do I look?”

Kangin chuckles, “Japanese—when you smile.”

Heechul punches him in the arm, “Oaf!  This is why you’re not married.”

Kangin rubs his arm chuckling, “Princess, you’re single too!”

Heechul zips the bag and hands it back to Kangin, “I’m fickle!  There’s a difference!  I don’t have the manners of a wild boar.”

Kangin laughs, “Fickle—right.  Come on, let’s get you back to the ball Cinderella.”

Heechul flashes a brilliant smiles, “Ready!”

Kangin smiles, “You go first, I’m going to speak with the Chef.”

Heechul narrows his eyes, “Why?  Wait, this doesn’t have anything to do with the CEO does it?  Are you scheming right now?”

Kangin rolls his eyes, “Look, just go find Siwon...he’ll keep you out of trouble.”

Heechul grabs Kangin by the shoulders smirking, “You are!  Your dark side is _sparkling_!”

Kangin pushes him back and spins him around by the shoulders, “ _I do not sparkle!_   Now, put your pumpkin-ass in gear Princess...you’re fans are waiting.”

Heechul bursts into a laughter that echoes off the walls, “You’re almost as bat-shit crazy as I am!”

Kangin nods as he pushes the man down the hallway and out the door, “Yes, but my crazy is chemically controlled—yours is a genetic nightmare.”

 

* * *

 

  

** [Somebody Told Me_The Killers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5fBdpreJiU&index=14&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6) **

(Never thought I’d let a rumor ruin my moonlight)

 

The two men burst out of the bathroom in an explosion of laughter that goes unnoticed against the deafening din hovering above the bustling kitchen.

Kangin looks for the chef and heads in his direction.  He greets him in a low bow, “Chef Song!” 

The chef recognizes him immediately and slaps him on the shoulder, “Kangin!”

Heechul watches in amusement as the mountain of a man pulls Kangin into a hug, lifting him off his feet.

When the Chef sets him down Kangin turns to Heechul, flicks his fingers in the air, “Go Princess—have fun at the ball.”

Kangin knew it was unreasonable and he’d thought twice about voicing the request, but he’d decided to at least explain the situation and see if the Chef was willing to assist in some, mostly harmless payback.

 

* * *

 

  **To Be Continued**

 


	2. The Fainting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After coming face-to-face with his own personal fear of suicide in the first chapter, Kangin walks directly into anther forbidden conversation, his hidden love for Leeteuk, with band mate Yesung. ^_^

 

**[Crazy_Daughtry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn_ybsID5Ko&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=4) **

(I’m amazed your still breathin’ amazed you can feel at all for all the pain I’ve caused ya’)

 

Kangin makes his way back to the ballroom after talking to Chef Song and has to fight his way through the crushing crowd.  He heads for the band’s private room to stow his bag.  Yesung is standing by the window talking on his cell phone.  When Yesung sees Kangin he raises his index finger gesturing for him to wait a minute.  Kangin stops near the sofa as the younger man ends his call and strolls over to him.

Yesung tips his head slightly in greeting, “You seemed a little on edge earlier, everything alright?”

Kangin pouts, “Yeah, false alarm.  Hey, where did all these people come from?  And who’s letting them in, they weren’t invited.”

Yesung smiles, “Princess mostly, but I think Kyuhyun and Ryeowook assisted with all the extra invitations...”

Kangin stares at him with a raised brow, “No!  I saw the guest list...hell, I don’t even know most of these fuckers!  This was supposed to be for friends and family.”

Yesung chuckles, “You only came to the first meeting—and that was 10 months ago.” 

Kangin rolls his eyes, “Great...so, what’d I miss?”

Yesung sighs, “The family idea was scrapped after the funeral.”

Kangin frowns, “You guys could have told me.”

Yesung slips his arm around Kangin’s shoulders, “Really?  It’s Teukkie—you would have chewed off your own arm to be here just so **you** could drive him home.”

Kangin purses his lips, “Yah!  He’s my best friend, do you have a point?”

Yesung considering him seriously for a minute then says, “Actually I do...have you ever _asked_ yourself _why_ you can’t sleep without him in your bed?”

Kangin stares at Yesung for a minute, mouth agape, and then looks away fussing with his shirt sleeves, “What? I—I...sleep.”

_What the fuck...what the hell?_

 

Yesung slips his hand to the older man’s shoulder and squeezes, “Hyung, look—you **know** we love **both** of you, right?  And there’s nothing **either** of you could do to change that...”

_How the hell do I respond to that?  What is he getting at?  He can’t possibly know!_

_I’ve never mentioned my insomnia...no, that’s crazy!  He doesn’t know..._

 

Kangin grabs his bottom lip between his teeth kneading the shit out of it, “Yah Yesung, I know...”

Yesung releases his grip on Kangin’s shoulder then slaps it, “Good!  So just **do** it— **tell him**...don’t wait any longer.”

_He knows?  But how?  Sungie knows I love Leeteuk?_

 

Kangin’s brain comes to a screeching halt.  He hears the blood pounding through his ears one second then feels the thick liquid reverse its course, draining the color from his face. 

The room begins to slip then bends, pulling oddly to one side as the familiar stabbing pierces his stomach.  Kangin doubles over clutching at the phantom pain and stumbles forward into Yesung as his world fades into a cool darkness.

“Kangin!”  Yesung grabs ahold of Kangin before he crashes to the floor and eases him down, onto the carpet stretching him out onto his back.

Yesung drops to his knees and grabs Kangin’s wrist to check his pulse and then leans over the man’s nose and mouth while watching for the rise and fall of his chest to ensure he’s breathing, “Good—he just fainted!”

He gets up and pulls the coffee table over to Kangin’s feet and proceeds to remove the man’s shoes, tossing them near the couch, then props his legs up on the table trying to help with the blood flow.

 

* * *

  

** [Baby Don't Go_Big Bang](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvZsPIzXLHQ&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=5) **

 

Yesung sighs heavily, silently wondering if Kangin’s been ill when Ryeowook comes busting through the door yelling, “Yah!  Come on, let’s go—”

Ryeowook stops in the middle of the room, staring at the scene before him, until it slowly begins to register.

He rushes across the room dropping to his knees next to Yesung, “Oh my—wha...what happened, Sungie!”

Yesung can’t help but chuckle at him, “He’s fine—just fainted.”

Ryeowook looks up at him through a mix of astonishment and horror, “How is this fine?  We need a doctor!  What did you do?”

Yesung grabs Ryeowook’s arm before he can run off, “Hey, look at me—he passed out...you know he doesn’t like crowded places and he’s been acting strange since Leeteuk came home today.  His brain must be overwhelmed; it just shut down, once it restarts he’ll wake up.”

Ryeowook’s eyes fill with tears, “I—I don’t…understand!  How can you be so calm about this?  I can’t even breathe right now! We have to do something!  He needs a doctor!  What if he dies?”

Yesung pulls him into a hug, “Baby…shhh, no one’s gonna die.  I told you—his brain is taking a break.  And for the freaking out part—we all can’t lose our pretty little heads when something bad happens.”

Ryeowook buries his face in Yesung’s neck crying, “Shut up—you ass...”

Yesung tips his head placing a kiss on Wookie’s temple, “Kangin’s in love with Leeteuk—”

Ryeowook snaps his head back searching Yesung face as his hands slap over a huge smile, “You were right?  How did you know?  What’d he say?  What happened?”

Yesung laughs, “Well, he didn’t really **say** anything.  It was more of what he _didn’t_ say—the words he chose...and the _way_ he acted.  But that _look—_ I could see his heart and he knew it!  I saw everything...love, confusion, sadness and the guilt.  But what I didn’t see was the _denial_ —it wasn’t lingering in his eyes or laced through his words like poison.  Does _any_ of that make sense?”

Ryeowook bounces up and down on his knees pounding his thighs, “No sweetie—none of it makes sense to **me** but, what does is that _you_ saw it.  His heart must be similar to yours and since you’ve been down that same road, because of us, it makes sense that _you_ can see it—like looking into a mirror...that’s why it’s so intensely wonderful!  I’m so happy, Sungie!  It’s been so long!  I’d actually given up hope for them!  Now I can...”

Yesung shakes his head as he grabs ahold of Wookie’s hands to stop his fidgeting, “You can’t push them—ok?  It has to happen naturally...if it’s meant to happen at all, right?”

Ryeowook’s sucks on his bottom lip as the tears spill down his cheek and Yesung pulls him close, “ _Don’t cry baby_ —please trust me—things will work out...it did for us.  And we can’t be the only happy people in the world...”

 

* * *

 

** [Going Under_Evanescece](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdhqVtpR2ts&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=6) **

(Luring and stirring the truth and the lies; always the confusing the thoughts in my head; so I can’t trust myself anymore)

 

A few minutes later Kangin wakes.  He’s thirsty and a bit light-headed but otherwise he feels perfectly fine, so he attempts to get up, “What happened?”

He’s still wobbly so Yesung grabs his arm and helps him to the couch asking Ryeowook to grab a bottle of water, “You fainted...”

When Wookie returns Kangin is staring at him funny, “Were you crying?”

Ryeowook opens the bottle and hands it to Kangin then pats at his cheeks self-consciously as he looks at Yesung, “Yah, I—well I kinda thought you were... _dead_.”

Kangin turns to look at Yesung with his eyebrows touching his bangs, “Excuse me?”

_Dead? Wow, what train did I get on and where the hell is the exit?_

 

Yesung gives a nervous chuckle as he pulls Wookie into a back hug, “Well, yeah he’s still a little uncomfortable, you know, with me learning the first aide stuff.  I told him you fainted but, he didn’t take that well—you weren’t moving or anything.  But hey, it’s over now—everyone’s fine—we’re all good...and you’re good too, right?  So we should probably get back to the party.  You guys ready?”

_Obviously I hit my head or maybe I finally had that stroke..._

 

Kangin’s mouth is hanging open, in a state of confusion, as he attempts to process _any_ of the words that were just vomited out of Yesung’s mouth.  He finally admits defeat and shakes his head dismissing the entire conversation as a bad dream so he can move on.  He sets the bottle down and grabs for one of his shoes.

Ryeowook is on his knees and snatches them up, lifts the man’s foot and slips one shoe on before anyone can stop him but Kangin barks, “Yah Ryeowook, what are you about?”

Ryeowook shoots him a sad smile, “Umm, I just thought—I mean...you probably shouldn’t be overexerting yourself, right Yesung?”

Yesung’s brain was still pretty fried from his last attempt of winging a comment so he tries to keep this one simple, “Umm, yeah sure...”

Kangin narrows his eyes at Yesung and he tries not to growl, “It’s a shoe...I’ll be fine.”

Yesung steps behind Wookie, “Hey baby, why don’t you go grab another water and I’ll finish up here.”

Ryeowook looks up at Yesung and smiles, “Well ok but, I’ll have to go tell someone, we don’t have any left.”

Yesung nods taking the other shoe from Wookie, “Ok, go do that.”  

Ryeowook slips onto his tiptoes and places a kiss on Yesung’s cheek.  When Ryeowook’s eyes inadvertently swing over to Kangin’s, the younger man blushes a fiery crimson, gives a low bow and rushes from the room like his hair is on fire.

Kangin licks at his bottom lip as he stares at the closed door, “How much has he had to drink tonight?”

Yesung chuckles, “Nothing, he volunteered to be the designated driver.”

Kangin turns to look at Yesung, “Really?  He seems absurdly distracted—but I suppose you didn’t notice that...”

Yesung tosses the other shoe to Kangin who catches it and slips it on, “You know he’s emotional Kangin—you really scared the shit out of him.”

Kangin pushes off the couch and walks up to Yesung, “Hey, about our previous conversation…”

Yesung interrupts, “Hyung—it’s none of **our** business.  I just wanted to make sure you knew how **we** felt...that’s all.”

Kangin sighs, “ _We?_   So, everyone’s onboard with this particular drama?”

Yesung grimaces, “Oh, well umm—by **we,** I really meant **me**...”

Kangin runs his fingers through his hair pulling on the ends, “Stop!  Look, you’re making my head hurt—but, I get it…at least I think I do.”

Yesung pumps his fist smiling, “Yes!  So, you’re going to tell Teukkie you love him, right?”

Kangin’s brain seems to lock up as his mouth drops open and then he raises his hand to swat at the younger man but Yesung jumps out of the way, dodging the blow, “Yah!  Stop interfering!”

Yesung bows from midway across the room, “Consider it done, Hyung!”

Kangin turns on his heel for the door but stops and calls over his shoulder, “Yesung!”

Yesung runs over to him, “Yes Hyung?”

Kangin grinds his teeth before spiting the words out, “Thank you.  I mean for taking care of me after I, well—and...also for your words, they do matter.”  Kangin opens the door and walks out.

 

* * *

 

** [Covered by Roses_Within Temptation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvemEVzjKz4&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=7) **

(Hold you in my arms all night and spill the wine until the end...)

_What the hell is wrong with everyone tonight—so many feelings—damn...and why is the music so loud._

_Shit, I could have been shot or stabbed and no one would have noticed._

 

_I’m acting like an old man—what the fuck is wrong with me?  Maybe I did have a stroke._

_I should probably see a doctor but that can wait because I need to find Leeteuk—we’re getting the hell_

_out of crazyville before I snap and kill someone._

 

* * *

 

  **To Be Continued**

 


	3. The Proposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can Kangin follow up his banner evening of suicidal thoughts and fainting...right getting hit on by his band mate, Kim Heechul (Princess).

**[Crazy Angel_Kill Hannah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hVyX5lI1G0&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=8) **

(I look at the stars and dream that the universe was ours...)  

 

Kangin emerges from the private suite into the ballroom.  He stands there for a minute waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness and flashing, colored lights coming off the dance floor.

He scans the immediate area and sees Leeteuk talking to Heechul a few feet away to his right. 

Kangin can’t hear a word their saying because the music is deafening, but thanks to the green illumination spilling off the DJ’s table, he can see their facial expressions.

He’s unable to tear his gaze away from Leeteuk’s angelic face so he pauses there to watch the two men volley words. 

Kangin knows Princess is overly sensitive tonight, thanks to the CEO incident, and he seems to be on the verge of tears again as he reaches out to hold Leeteuk’s hand.

Frustration is etched across Leeteuk’s face and his body stiffens at Heechul’s touch but when he tries to pull his hand back Princes won’t let go.

_That’s odd...I wonder what’s going on?_

 

Kangin begins to worry and holds his breath as Leeteuk leans toward Heechul.

Princess shakes his head then suddenly pulls the man into a kiss.

Kangin feels his fingernails dig deep into his palms, leaving half-moon imprints.

_Well, that sucks, I’m going to have to kill Princess tonight..._

 

Leeteuk quickly pushes Princess away; he’s not pleased with Heechul’s public display of affection.

Kangin’s stomach tightens—he’s only seen that look once before, it’s extremely rare, but Leeteuk won’t stand for any amount of disrespect.

He knew Leeteuk better than he knew himself and right now, the man was beyond pissed and poor Princess didn’t have a clue of what was coming.

Kangin had only seen Leeteuk do this once before—the first strike is deadly and the only warning he’ll ever give.  

If there should be a repeat incident the member is out of the group, no questions asked, just like what happened with Geng a few years ago. 

He observes the situation closely as it shifts to a very serious mood—Leeteuk’s hand cups the back of Heechul’s neck and forces the younger man’s head forward so he can speak directly into his ear. 

Kangin would never know the specific words that spilled from those mesmerizing lips, but he would always remember the shadow that crossed Heechul’s face. 

The younger man’s eyes immediately found the floor and he began to bow repeatedly.

A huge smile crept across Kangin’s lips as a surge of pride sliced through him, melting away the anxiety brought on by Heechul’s random kiss.

Kangin finally understood that Leeteuk didn’t have amorous feelings for Princess which made his heart sing and brought a smile to his face.

Leeteuk straightened to his full height then looked up, directly at Kangin as he lets his hand slip away from Heechul’s neck.

Kangin was sure his heart stopped at being caught watching the two men but Leeteuk just flashed him that seductive smile and a wink before walking away into the sea of guests.

Embarrassed and unable to control his raging hormones, Kangin looks away cursing under his breath, as he buttons his tuxedo jacket to cover his erection.

 _Dammit_ _!  He can’t even smile at me without causing my dick to swell—_

_no wonder I spend the evening lurking in the shadows like a stalker!_

_Fuck, I can’t do this anymore!_

 

* * *

  **[Remedy_Seether](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZLILV18ut8&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=9)**

(Clip the wings that get you high, leave them where they lie and tell yourself you’ll be the death of me...)

 

Kangin takes a left making his way to a more secluded part of the ballroom as he tries to look for Leeteuk.

_Why did he look at me?  How did he know I was watching?  And what about that wink?  What the hell was that about?  Where the hell is he?_

_Why didn’t Teukkie come to me?  Fuck—why am I even thinking this shit?  Obviously I’ve lost my goddamn mind._

_And why can’t I think **straight**_ _when he’s around?  Ha, right me straight! Fuck me—that ship set sail 10 months ago._

 _Maybe that’s why my head hurts—I’m just not used to_ _this perspective…_

_Why do I keep using my ‘straight’ brain to think about my love for a man?_

_S_ _hit, there isn’t a difference—love is love!  Honestly, I really need to get myself checked out—_

_I must have had a damn stroke to be carrying on this dialog in my head in the first place because it’s fucked up even for me!_

_I think I need a serious dosage increase no my mood enhancement pills..._

 

Kangin was lost in his own thoughts and didn’t even notice Heechul’s approach.

Heechul, latches onto Kangin’s arm, spins him around, pushing him up against the nearest wall.

Before Kangin can figure out what’s happening, Heechul presses his body intimately into Kangin chest, pinning him.

Heechul’s left hand begins to slide up Kangin’s thigh, “Just like old times, right Min?”

When Kangin’s brain finally engages he glares at the younger man, “What the FUCK, Princess?”

As Princess re-prepositions his hand over Kangin’s bulging cock he smiles pressing a kiss to Kangin’s jaw, “I would _love_ to help you with this...”

Kangin grabs Heechul’s wrist in cold warning, “ _I **will** break your hand..._ ”

Heechul tries to slip out of Kangin’s grip as he whispers, “Buy me a drink and I’m yours.”

Kangin releases the man’s wrists and pushes his shoulders away from him trying to gain a little space, “You’ve exceeded your limit.”

Heechul’s free hand slips up Kangin’s chest as he presses his lips against his ear whispering, “I wonder... _who_ could get your panties in such a state, Brother Bear?”

Kangin reminds himself that Heechul is a band mate as he warns, “Stop...”

Heechul drags his lips across Kangin’s jaw, “Kiss me like before...”

Kangin clenches his jaw, resisting the goad, “Obviously your memory is fucked...”

Heechul giggles, “Then I won’t deliver your secret message.”

Kangin takes a deep breath, “And what message is that?”

Heechul grins, “First—my kiss...”

Kangin tilts his head sideways but keeps eye contact, “When I said no, I literally meant, **_not fucking ever_**.”

Heechul lifts his hand to cover his mouth in mock astonishment and giggles, “So predictable...you haven’t changed one iota!”

Kangin seethes, “Message—Princess...now!”

Heechul smiles coyly, “It’s from Leeteuk...”

Kangin’s heart skips a beat but he remains stoic, “And?”

Heechul laughs as he leans forward slipping his hands up to Kangin’s shoulders, “He wants _you_ to take him home lover boy...he’s waiting at the SuJu elevator.”

Kangin sneers, “One day Princess—I’m truly going to beat your ass.  But it won’t be for touching **me**...it’ll be because of your loose **lips**.”

Heechul laughs, “Leeteuk is a big boy—and I don’t kiss and tell—but, my advice to **you** is, just give it up...that is, unless you wanna lose him.”

Kangin growls as he peels Heechul off his body, “Find Siwon and stay out of trouble tonight.”

Heechul chuckles as he stumbles away, “That’s not very likely.”

* * *

** [Uprising_Muse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8KQmps-Sog&index=10&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_) **

(They will not force us, they will stop degrading us, they will not control us, we will be victorious...)

 

Kangin moves fast, putting distance between himself and Princess, cursing under his breath, “Fucking drunk, bipolar, mother...I need to find Siwon.”

Kangin heads back toward the DJ’s area looking for a responsible SuJu member—a serious undertaking when alcohol was added to the mix—not to mention those odds dropped greatly depending on each couples’ status prior to any event. 

When he runs into Shindong coming off the dance floor, sending out a huge thank you to the universe, he grabs the man by the arm to stop him, “Hey, where’s Siwon?”

Shindong shrugs his shoulders, “I haven’t seen him, why?”

Kangin relays a message, “I’m taking Leeteuk home...he’s exhausted.”

Shindong shrugs his shoulders, “OK, I’ll tell him.”

Kangin conveys another message, “Let Siwon know he has Princess Duty.”

Shindong frowns, “It’s only 9 o’clock!”

Kangin presses, “Princess has after party plans.”

Shindong’s hands squeeze his temples, “For the love of...”

Kangin hits his arm and does his ‘jazz-hands’ impression, “Hey, lock your door tonight.”  

Shindong frustrated, “Dammit, that horny mother—”

Kangin chuckles, “Good luck!”

Shindong moans, but then catches a glimpse of Siwon heading to the bar and follows after him waving.

Kangin watches Shindong and Siwon for a minute before sliding out the side door behind the DJ that leads into a secret elevator. 

Once in the hall he takes a quick right and stops by the first door labeled “Security” and enters the empty room. 

He walks around the customer service counter to another door that says, “Authorized Personnel Only” and walks through.

The main reason SuJu uses this particular hotel, for parties and gatherings, was because of the secret elevator that the owner had installed...especially for them. 

This elevator only runs between this floor and the secret underground parking garage.  It serves as a discrete entrance and exit for the band members.

Ensuring the door closes behind him, Kangin waits a couple seconds for his eyes to adjust to the muted light then walks over to the elevator and sticks his head inside the open door—it’s empty.

Stepping back he looks around the tiny space when he notices a rainbow prism reflecting across the white wall, “Where’s that coming from?”

Kangin walks up to the twinkling patch of light, reaches his fingers out to touch it, feeling a slight draft, “What the hell is that?”

Curiosity wins out as he feels his way along the wall toward his right until he finds a narrow gap.  He slips his fingers through it which causes the door to glide open so he pushes further.

Kangin steps through the hidden passage into the secret room, without a second thought, as the door slams shut behind him.

* * *

   **To Be Continued**

 


	4. The Secret Room_Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kangin finds Leeteuk in a pretty amazing room that overlooks Seoul...

 

**[Zi-Zi's Journey_Lindsey Stirling](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_VVtb5A2Xg&index=100&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjVQTOL-kWBU7I3UcKFhq8Lw) **

 

 

A stunned Kangin stands there, looking around in dismay, totally enthralled by the spectacular view and private firework display, that he doesn’t even notice as the door slips closed behind him.

The entire room was drenched in a multihued veil of twinkling lights that were ushered in through the two, floor-to-ceiling high, glass paneled walls inside the apartment. 

The shimmering starlight and moonbeams that glinted off the heavenly bodies above only added to the dreamlike backdrop of the luminous glow emanating from the bustling, cityscape below.

The fairy lights entered the room freely, flitting around the space until they were captured by the mirror-covered ceiling and walls opposite the windows, then infinitely refracted and vomited across the small space in a kaleidoscope of dancing prisms.

The room was alive—it seemed to pulse and breathe, with a soft blueish ethereal glow...as if it were mimicking a human heartbeat. 

The presentation was extraterrestrial and produced the most surreal visions and extracted sensations buried so deep Kangin had almost dismissed their existence as illusion—and yet, he could still feel their warmth...his heart was bursting with immeasurable bliss.

_If this small crevice in the door to heaven was even a mere fraction of the beauty and love to be_

_held within the next life, then perhaps...this life was truly worth living._

 

Captivated by the visual display, and mesmerized by the emotional buffet it seemed to evoke within him, Kangin is unaware of the beads of saline rolling down his cheeks as he’s drawn further into the room, a willing captive to the overflowing love and joy seeping from the insignificant crack in this new world. 

Kangin lets go of his frustration as the rapture embraces him, cascades through him, and as he continues to move languidly forward...until his route is blocked by an absurdly oversized sectional sofa.

 

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

 

**[Ailee - I'm In Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nfsz3dc6fU) **

** (I’m falling in love, do you know...I think of you every day) **

 

 

Kangin glances down at the senseless piece of furniture as his eyes focus on a form sprawled out upon it.  The figure was laying on his stomach with one arm dangling off the edge.

_Leeteuk?  Is that you?  What the hell are you doing in here?  Maybe he noticed the colored prisms on the wall too..._

 

He smiles at the beautiful man and walks around to the front of the couch, kneeling down beside him, “Wake up Leeteuk, I’m here...”

Leeteuk mumbles, “Yuki?”   

Kangin frowns at the pang of jealousy and wonders who Yuki is, “No cheonsa (angel) it’s Young Woon...”

Leeteuk purrs with satisfaction, “Hmmm, Woon-ah...”

Kangin smiles, nudging the leader’s shoulder, “Teukkie, we need to go.”

Leeteuk grabs Kangin’s hand, brings it close to his mouth then presses his lips to it, “Nae geoya.” (mine)...  

_Kangin’s eyes snap shut as his heart skips a beat, ‘God—Jungsoo-ah that mouth...’_

 

Kangin wrestles his urges to the ground and opens his eyes, “Please wake up cheonsa...”

Leeteuk unconsciously laces his fingers through Kangin’s and rolls onto his back tugging him closer...so near he feels Leeteuk’s warm breath upon his face.

_Jungsoo—I can’t take much more of this...please wake up so I can finally say the words!_

 

Kangin closes his eyes as he whispers, “Teukkie—I...”

Leeteuk blinks a couple times then opens his eyes giving Min that angelic smile, “Woon-ah...you found me.”

Kangin’s eyes snap open as he pulls his hand away quickly from Leeteuk, his heart slamming against his ribs as he looks at the cushion, “Sorry you waited so long, but I didn’t know this room was here.”

Leeteuk stretches out on his back across the ginormous sofa as he gazes up into the mirrored ceiling, “My new favorite place.”

Kangin stands up and takes a couple steps toward the windows that look out over the city, trying to relax his growing need, “I can see why.”

_I need to get him out of here, I have to confess or I’m gonna explode!_

 

Kangin turns around to face Leeteuk, “Come on, we need to get home, grab snacks and barricade ourselves inside the bedroom.”

Leeteuk arches his back then sits up, inching himself toward the open side of the sofa, “What are you going on about?”

Kangin returns to the couch as he bends over and launches into his ‘jazz hands’ impression.

Leeteuk’s feet hit the floor as he mimics the gesture acting confused, “W-what’s this?”

Kangin chuckles, “Oh, right—sorry, Princess is drunk...” then repeats his impression stating, “...and feeling frisky.”

Leeteuk groans and falls backward onto the couch with his hands over his face, “No!  This is my first night home!  I’m not ready—I can’t do this yet!”

Kangin laughs as he places a knee next to Teukkie, leans forward, takes ahold of his wrists and pulls up—but Leeteuk resists, “Siwon has Princess duty...not you.”

Leeteuk peeks through his fingers, “Really?”

Kangin chuckles, “Yes, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Leeteuk grabs Kangin’s hands and jerks him down onto the cushion next to him, rolling on his side, holding Min’s hands, “Great! Let’s stay here!”

Kangin groans, “I already checked—the hotel’s full.”

Leeteuk urges, “No Min—here!”

Kangin scans the ceiling and walls then questions, “What—you mean this room?”

Leeteuk puts his hand on Kangin’s chest, absently playing with the buttons on his shirt, “We’ll lock the door—and there’s a bathroom with a full shower...even towels!”

Kangin groans, “Teukkie, what if someone shows up?”

Leeteuk smiles, “If they have a key, we’ll leave.”

Kangin gives Leeteuk a baffled look, “Since when do **you** break rules?”

Leeteuk’s eyes sparkle with mirth, “What **rule** am I breaking?”

Kangin hesitates then chuckles, “Whatever, fine—we’ll stay...but I’m using the bathroom first.”

Leeteuk abruptly sits up and points enthusiastically, “It’s over there!”

Kangin nods then gets up, “I’ll be back in a few minutes—don’t run off.” 

Leeteuk whispers, “I’ll _never_ leave you again.”

Kangin shakes his head and laughs as he heads toward the bathroom.

 

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

 

 

** [Run Away_The Corrs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMnUHASwCmo&index=2&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjX1VBv4DlupM-qLw7ffi5sy) **

** (Say it’s true there’s nothing like me and you; I’m not alone tell me you feel it too...) **

 

 

Kangin returns to find Leeteuk gazing out over the city, “You’re turn.”

Leeteuk turns around to see Kangin wearing an emerald green silk bathrobe. 

He steps closer, slipping his fingers up the lapels feeling it with appreciation, “My Min-ah in silk...”

Kangin swallows hard, “Yes...well, don’t get any ideas, this robe is spoken for.”

Something flashes across Leeteuk’s face as he lowers his lashes, biting his lower lip, as his hand sneaks beneath the material to rest against Kangin’s bare chest, “Indeed...”

_That look—was that?  No, that had to be my imagination...or low lighting?_

 

Kangin narrows his eyes, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Leeteuk’s eyes find Kangin’s as both his hands slip up Min’s chest to wrap around his neck, and in one, single motion, Leeteuk tugs the larger man’s head forward whispering in his ear, “I’ve missed you more than words my Woon-ah”...and then Leeteuk places a kiss on his jaw, his cheek, ending with a slip of his tongue across Min’s lips.

Leeteuk releases a bewildered Kangin and heads toward the bathroom.

_What the hell was that?  And goddamn, why the hell am I hard?  Fuck!_

_I just took care of myself in the bathroom...in theory that should give me time!_

_Why can’t I control my dick around this man...wait, did he just lick my lips!?_

 

Kangin groans as his head lolls backward and he closes his eyes.  He lets his hand roam over his throbbing cock through the silk—Leeteuk had to have noticed this...fuck me, he caused it!

Kangin walks to the door, flips the lock and returns to the windows.  He pulls out his cell phone, from his robe pocket, then dials Shindong’s number as he paces back and forth.

Shindong picks up, “Kangin?”

 Kangin says, “Hey Shin, we found a room so we’re staying here tonight.”

Shindong answers quickly, “That’s probably best since Cinderella’s been looking for you.”

Kangin inquires, “What havoc is he reeking?”

Shindong hesitates, “He’s just been screaming your name—making a scene, but Siwon’s taking him home now.”

Kangin replies, “What’s he want?  And what the hell is with those two? How is it that Siwon has any control over him?”

Shindong launches into a lecture, “Min—they really care about each other.  I know you’re straight, but it’s about time you accepted this fact.  Besides, other than Leeteuk, Siwon is the only other person who can override Heechul’s dick...and I, for one, am thankful for that particular talent!”  

Kangin pulls the phone away from his ear for a minute, “Shin, relax...I never really thought about it like that—but I know you’re right.”

 

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

 

 

** [Losing My Mind_Daughtry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPNI6fqVxWg&index=69&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjVQTOL-kWBU7I3UcKFhq8Lw) **

** (And the way you light up every room you walk into just makes me wanna scream...) **

 

Shindong sighs, “Shit...I’m sorry.  It’s just that he’s been telling everyone he’s in love and its really bothering Siwon.”

Kangin concerned, “Princess in love?”

Shindong chortles, “I know right?  Other than Siwon it could only be Leeteuk but he’s screaming your name...”

Kangin, “No!  Never!  That’s not right...”

Shindong seems startled, “Uh, I don’t know, he’s not saying.  But, since this is Leeteuk’s home coming party everyone’s betting on him.”

Kangin, “You’re taking bets?

Shindong laughs, “It was Hyukie’s idea.”

Kangin drifts off, “Princess loves Leeteuk?”

Shindong cuts him off, “Hey Min, no one knows—it’s probably Siwon not Teukkie...don’t worry about it and forget I said anything!”

Kangin sighs, “Right...”

Shindong encourages him, “Min, don’t worry—Leeteuk’s not in love with Princess, we all know that.  You need to relax...just be your normal sexy self!”

Kangin is becoming more confused with the conversation, “What?”

Shindong urges, “Hey look, Heechul doesn’t know what he wants. But, obviously you’ve finally figured it out...so good luck!”

Kangin takes a deep breath, “Wait, what the hell are you saying, I’m not following...”

Shindong laughs, “Leeteuk...”

Kangin is getting frustrated, “What about him?”

Shindong’s out of breath and grunting, “I know—it’s insane, but my money’s on you, brother!”

Kangin becomes a bit irritated, “Shin!  You’re making me crazy!  Shin...Shin!”

Shindong replies being serious, “Enjoy your Teukkie” ...and then hangs up.

Kangin yells into the phone, “What the fuck?  Where is Princess?”

Kangin growls, throwing his cell to the floor as it skids across the high-polished floor crashing into the wall smashing into a hundred separate pieces. 

He turns around abruptly and bumps directly into Leeteuk.

 

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

 

 

** [Love Me Like You Do_Ellie Goulding](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJtDXIazrMo&index=93&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjVQTOL-kWBU7I3UcKFhq8Lw) **

** (I’ll let you set the pace cause I’m not thinking straight, my heads spinning around I can’t see clear no more...what are you waiting for)  **

 

 

Kangin looks at Leeteuk as his eyes dance longingly up the older man’s body and his breath catches, “Is that my shirt?”

Leeteuk steps closer, placing his hands on Kangin’s chest smirking, “You prefer me naked?”

Kangin’s mouth opens but he closes it in silence as his gaze drifts to the floor while his brain repeats the conversational fragments he just heard.

_Heechul doesn’t know...you’ve figured it out... Leeteuk’s not in love with Princess...you prefer me naked?_

 

Those words snake through Kangin’s brain setting off little fires in every cell of his body until he’s ready to burst into flame.

“Minnie, you’re adorable, come here...” Leeteuk laughs, grabs Kangin’s hand and pulls him back to the playground disguised as a couch. 

Leeteuk grips Kangin’s shoulders and pushes down—Kangin obediently sits on the edge of the sofa still trying to recover from whatever the hell just happened inside his head while his body simply reacts to whatever Teukkie says or does without question.

_This has to be a dream...I don’t have any control over my thoughts or actions._

_Maybe this is how that sexy dream happened?  I mean, it was a dream, right...not a memory? _

 

Leeteuk slips a leg between Kangin’s knees—the younger man opens them without question—Leeteuk gazes down at him but Kangin closes his eyes trying to control his desires.  Partly trying to remember the dream and partly out of fear because he can’t control himself.

_Why can’t I stop this, why do I feel like I’m in slow motion?_

_I need to confess my feelings, but I can’t stop wanting to touch him, feel his lips on mine—God, I need him..._

 

Leeteuk’s palms slip from Kangin’s shoulders up to his neck, his thumbs lifting his chin up, as Kangin’s eyes flutter open. 

_You’re beautiful my cheonsa..._

 

Leeteuk’s intense gaze sparks a shiver down Kangin’s spine—one he can’t hide.

_Fuck Youngwoon, get control of your goddamn dick before you blow your wad just by looking at the man._

 

Leeteuk brushes the pad of his thumb across Kangin’s bottom lip whispering, “Top or bottom?”

_Kangin squeezes his eyes closed biting the inside of his cheek—top or bottom—I want both until neither one of us can crawl out of bed in the morning..._

 

Kangin finally opens his eyes whispering, “Inside or outside...”

Leeteuk smiles knowingly, “I’m not good with directions— _show me._..”

Kangin swallows hard dropping his head—as he watches himself raise both hands to touch Leeteuk’s bare thighs but the skin on skin contact is electric. 

He wants to push Leeteuk away or pull him close but Kangin can’t make either action happen—so he just lets the emotions crash through him.

_Tell him Youngwoon...just say the words before it’s too late.  If you blow this chance, you’ll never get another!_

 

Leeteuk places a finger under Kangin’s chin and pulls up, “Is Heechul your lover?”

Kangin snaps back to the present at the sound of that name, “Wait, what?”

Leeteuk repeats the question with a bite in his tone, “Are you _fucking_ Princess?” 

 

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   To Be Continued   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~ 

 

 


	5. The Secret Room_Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Part II - The continuation of The Secret Room
> 
> Enjoy ^_^

 

** [Slow_Kahi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2c_HWMc2p_E&index=7&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjW3Vkdal2FylJ-kMe57x9CD%20) **

** (I wanted to hear it, though I knew everything...I wanted to love you) **

 

 

It’s late and right now Kangin’s brain only has one _man_ on its mind—and it sure as hell isn’t Heechul—but he can’t flip topics that fast in his lovesick mental condition.

Leeteuk seems upset and Kangin doesn’t know why or how to make it right, so he does the next best thing...he panics, “No—hell no!  Why would you even say that?”

Leeteuk shakes his head as tears fill his eyes, “I’ve been away—I don’t know you or the others anymore...and I heard you talking to Shin about Princess.”

Kangin stands up and pulls Leeteuk into a fierce hug, “Teukkie—no, that’s _all_ wrong! Yes, you’ve been away.  And you may _feel_ like you’ve lost track of us, but I promise you— _the others haven’t made any drastic changes in their lives_.”

Kangin pushes him back a little, still holding his shoulders, “Look, Princess is having a small personal crisis. I tried to divert it earlier and it worked for a little while, but something else set him off.  I can’t deal with him like you, but Siwon has it under control.”

Leeteuk rolls his eyes, “All Siwon does is take him home for a good fuck.”

Kangin sighs, “Yea well, like I said that’s not on any of _my_ lists...”

Leeteuk tries to pull away, “Wait, you think—that’s how I deal with him too?”

Kangin’s shocked, “W-waa, no!  He listens to you because you’re the leader!”

Leeteuk’s eye fill with tears as he tries to pull away again, “Let go!”

Kangin pulls him into a hug, “No listen to me, every day has been a constant struggle for us to keep this fucking band together.  You’re the true leader...not me, not Siwon or Heechul.  We may have a good day here and there but we’ve _never_ wanted or accepted that responsibility!  We relied on you for everything—we took you for granted—and I couldn’t be sorrier for that!”

Kangin releases his hold and grabs him by the collar, “Jesus Teukkie, I’m a 12 year old boy hiding inside a man’s body!  I’ve been counting down the days until **your** return because I’ve developed a serious **dislike** for all these fuckers!  I discovered that all of us are simply horrific people!  We fight over petty differences.  We’re all seriously unstable.  And combined, we have multiple dysfunctional personalities with a thousand character flaws that blend together to make us who we are as a group, but in reality...YOU are the _only_ one who can save us!”

Kangin lets his forehead rest on Leeteuk’s shoulder, “For the love of Christ, Teukkie—it’s a wonder the company allows us to roam around freely with the average citizens.  We should all be locked up in a fuckin’ institution using rubber knives to cut our meat.  I don’t know how you’ve managed to get us this far—but you truly are an angel!”

Kangin stands up and sees Leeteuk’s tears so he cups his cheek and tries to wipe them away but the leader grabs his wrist and whispers, “What change did _you_ make, Kangin?

Kangin freezes at the use of his stage name, “What?”

_He’s never used my stage name when talking directly to me._

_He’s always used my real name or a special nickname. What the hell?_

 

Leeteuk sniffles as he laces his fingers through Min’s, “You said the _others_ didn’t make changes in their lives…”

Kangin stutters, “Oh-umm…yeah, well I—”

_Why can’t I think when he’s touching me?  He asked me a question and I need to respond, but all I can think of his how soft his skin is and fuck, those lips—I want to kiss..._

Leeteuk cringes at his reply and drops Min’s hand, pushing him away, as he smears his tears with the sleeve of Min’s shirt, “You... _can’t_ tell me?”

 

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

 

 

** [Drenched_Wanting](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpjqzLK7wEE&index=32&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjW3Vkdal2FylJ-kMe57x9CD%20) **

** (When I look into your eyes I can hear you cry for a little bit more of you and I...I’m drenched in your love, I’m not longer able to hold it back...) **

 

Kangin stands there wanting to say something…anything but he’s scared that he just screwed everything up so, he just decides to go with that, “I’m scared…”

Leeteuk steps back wrapping his arms around himself, “You’re—afraid…of me?” 

Kangin lunges forward grabbing Leeteuk by the arms to hold him in place as tears streamed down his own face, “No!  Not _of_ you...of _losing_ you!  Losing my best friend!”

Leeteuk places his hands on Kangin’s face, “You won’t _ever_ loose me Min—not even if you’re in love with Heechul.”

Kangin lowers his eyes, “It’s not _him_ I love…”

Tears continue to leak from Leeteuk’s eyes as the words hit him hard, “But, it _is_...a man?”

Kangin drops his hold on Leeteuk, letting go of his innermost fear, he lets out a broken whisper, “Y-yes.”

Leeteuk’s hands slip absently from Min’s cheeks as his gaze dips to the floor trying to understand, “Af—after I leave...you _chose_ a male lover?”

Kangin looks up pleading, taking a step closer to Leeteuk, “No, you don’t understand—I _wanted_ to tell you…I just didn’t know how!”

Leeteuk’s head snaps up and he pins Kangin with his eyes, “You wanted to tell me, but you were afraid?  I thought we were...closer than that!  Just what did you expect me to say?”

Kangin whispers a strangled answer, “I don’t know!  Twelve months ago I was straight—and then I wasn’t!  **I** still don’t know what to think...”

Leeteuk cuts him off, “A year?  And everyone knows?”

Kangin looks away lowering his voice, “No!  No one...he doesn’t even know.”

Leeteuk’s in shock, “You haven’t told him?”

Kangin winces, “I—I’m trying...”

Leeteuk steps forward shaking his head, “I _don’t_ understand...this isn’t like you!”

Kangin takes ahold of Leeteuk’s shoulders, “You’re right, it’s **nothing** like me!  But I wasn’t **gay** last time you saw me so **yes** , it’s been a bit of a **shock**!  And yes, I’ve been in therapy, **trying** to save my sanity!  So help me Teukkie, what’s the proper way for a straight man, turned gay, to tell his bisexual _best_ friend that he’s in love with _him_?”

Leeteuk tilts his head, staring at Kangin, letting the words sink in, “best friend?”

Kangin places his forehead against Leeteuk’s, “Would **you** ever _believe_ me?”

Leeteuk whispers, “Me?”

Kangin’s voice trembles, “Could **you** ever _love_ me like that?

Tears flood Leeteuk’s eyes as he slips his trembling hand up Min’s chest and over his heart, “Nae geoya?”

Kangin pulls back to look into Leeteuk’s dark chocolate eyes, trying to push every ounce of emotion into his next words, “Jungsoo-ah...saranghae.” (I love you)

Leeteuk cups Kangin’s face, “Woon-ah, I...”

Before Leeteuk can finish Kangin pulls him into a kiss.

_I will kiss you once, with my whole heart, and with you knowing that I love you...and then, I will let you go._

 

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   To Be Continued   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~ 

 


	6. The Wanting

 

 

 

 

** [Be Mine_Infinite](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnubLDYNNfQ&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=18) **

** (Look clearly – I just don’t like it when you cry...it hurts me to see you in pain...) **

 

 

Leeteuk wanted to cry and scream.  He’d waited so long to tell Kangin how he felt, but the younger man refused to release him from the kiss. 

So Leeteuk kissed him back—with all the love he’d been hiding—because now, nothing stood in their way...they could be together and Teukkie could finally show Young Woon exactly what he meant to him.

Leeteuk untied Kangin’s robe as his fingers skimmed up the slick fabric, stopping at the collar, gave it a little push and it slipped down his shoulders.

Kangin dropped his arms allowing the garment to flutter to the floor as Teukkie pulled Kangin’s naked body against his straining need causing the younger man to gasp at the intimate contact, breaking the kiss.

His mouth slips to Leeteuk’s neck, biting and sucking, making Teukkie moan as Kangin leaves a trail of angry red bruises for the whole world to see.

Kangin needs proof—he wants everyone to know that Teukkie is his...even if it’s for just this one glorious night.

As Kangin’s passion spirals out of control as he groans at the leader’s experienced touch—hands slipping down his bare back, one grips his ass and the other circles around the younger’s thigh to cup his bulging erection, “G-argh...Teukkie!”

Kangin couldn’t take any more, his knees were getting weak, so he lifts the older man into his arms, turns around and places Leeteuk down on the over sized sofa, then crawls across his body straddling him.

He fumbles with the buttons of Leeteuk’s dress shirt but quickly gets aggravated, “Dammit!” he growls in frustration as he grabs a hold of the shirt tails and yanks them in opposite directions scattering the buttons across the room.

Teukkie laughs, “Yah!  Why is everything a battle of strength with you?” 

Kangin’s heated gaze travels up Leeteuk’s naked body, “Cheonsa...you’re beautiful.”

Leeteuk tugs at Kangin neck, “Kiss me, Woon-ah.”

Kangin drops his head immediately capturing his lips and Leeteuk responds by sliding his tongue inside Kangin’s warm, moist mouth pulling him into a hot and greedy exchange.

Leeteuk pulls Kangin down on top of his naked body as their erections rub against each other causing Kangin to gasp, “Dammit, I can’t...”

Leeteuk shifts beneath him slipping his leg over Kangin’s thigh and calve, “Woon-ah...relax, don’t think.”

Kangin’s breathes are coming rapid and shallow, “I-I’ve wanted you so long—I need you...”

Leeteuk pushes Kangin back as he sits up to shrug out of the ripped shirt as he smiles, “I know baby...I should have tried harder with you.”

Kangin watches his angel closely as he reaches out a trembling hand to touch his abs but pulls it away.

Leeteuk grabs Kangin’s hand and places it over his heart, “Stay with me Woon-ah...I never dreamed you could love me like this...it feels like a dream.”

Kangin lifts his eyes to Leeteuk’s face, “I’ve been lost without you.”

Leeteuk slips his hand behind Kangin’s neck and pulls him into a kiss, “You can do this...let me help you.”

Kangin mumbles into the kiss, “Naui cheonsa...” (my angel) 

Leeteuk kiss him deeper, “I’ve always been yours...”

Kangin’s hands are trembling and he jerks away like he touched fire, trying to explain, “Teukkie, I w-want you—I don’t know how...”

Teukkie takes Kangin’s hands, “Shhh, baby...” and pulls Min into another slow, sweet kiss “Do you trust me?”

Kangin answers breathless, “Yes...”

Teukkie suggests, “Let me lead just this one time...okay?”

Kangin resists, “No!  I c-can please you...”

Teukkie swallows his complaint with another kiss, “Yes baby, and I will give you the rest of my life to show me...but tonight, this is my party, right?”

Kangin breaks the kiss but exhales quickly, “Yessss....”

Leeteuk steals his breath by latching onto his engorged cock whispering, “Well, I want to play with my new gift...you.”

Teukkie pulls Min into a hungry kiss, “Lay down baby—God, I want to watch you cum...”

 

~  ~  ~  ~  ~

 

 

** [Seasons of the Heart_Seo In Guk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ni-Njr0DcdI&index=19&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_) **

** This almost emptied mind is filled up with you and is shakes my heart...as the pain gets worse the more I want you...) **

 

 

Kangin groans but Leeteuk uses his body to push him back onto the cushions with a kiss.

Leeteuk hovers over Kangin, never letting go of his dick, as Teukkie kisses Kangin’s lips and cheek moving to his ear he whispers, “Focus on my voice—stay in the present...be with me through this, Woon-ah.”

When Min doesn’t answer Leeteuk lightly squeezes his cock, “Ah!  Teukkie...it hurts!”

Teukkie keeps pressure on Kangin’s dick as he whispers again, “I know baby, you really need to cum for me...it won’t stop hurting until you do, alright?”

Kangin cries out in pain, sitting straight up grabbing Leeteuk’s arm, “Argh, stop!”

Leeteuk grabs Kangin’s shoulder with his free hand as his grip slips down Min’s shaft, “Min, do you trust me!”

Tears are rolling down Kangin’s cheeks as he trembles in his Leeteuk’s arms.  Teukkie pushes him back and he lays down, “I trust you...just do it.”

Leeteuk decides to try one more time as he repositions his hand near the base of Kangin’s cock but a sharp pain seizes Min, triggering his anxiety as he gasps for air, “Breathe Min...”

Kangin sobs, “I-I...can’t!”

Teukkie quickly slips down Kangin’s torso and pulls the swollen member into his mouth.

Kangin’s breathing is fast and shallow but he arches his back pushing at Leeteuk’s shoulder, “N—no!” 

Leeteuk listens to his breathing hitch as he sucks hard on the tip before he begins to put pressure on the shaft, “Focus on my mouth...”

Searing pain courses through Kangin’s body, “Fuck, Teukkie...it hurts!”

Kangin fights with himself as he closes his eyes to concentrate on Teukkie’s lips and tongue—wrapped around his dick—his Cheonsa, taking care of him...until finally, it felt heavenly.

Teukkie slips the throbbing cock further down his throat and Kangin’s fingers finally latch onto his hair as he mumbles, “Cheonsa!”

Teukkie gives an internal sigh as he sets a quick, steady rhythm with his hand, “You need to let go Min-ah...”

Kangin fights against the rising pressure in his groin as Leeteuk pulls his orgasm from him, “Cum Woon-ah...”

Kangin screams as he finally releases in Teukkie’s mouth and his anxiety finally dissipates as Leeteuk pulls him through his climax, “Jungsoo-ah!” 

Teukkie continues to suck and massage Kangin as the aftershocks ripple through his body.

When Kangin’s muscles finally relax Leeteuk slips up Kangin’s sweaty body to kiss him full on the mouth letting the younger boy taste his own cum, “Good job Min...”

Kangin’s response is thick and sluggish as his exhausted mind and body slips into a rapid crash as tears slip down his cheeks, “Sorry...”

Teukkie bends over him placing kiss on his mouth, “No sorries baby—I waited for you for a lifetime...I love you...”

Kangin murmurs, “But I...you...”

Teukkie kisses Kangin sweetly on the lips, “Sleep—we’ll talk later.”

Kangin slips into a blissful sleep, “Hmm...”

Leeteuk snuggles in behind Kangin as he slips his arms around him pulls him into a protective embrace, “You’re mine now Woon-ah and I’ll never let you go...”

 

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   To Be Continued   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~ 


	7. Yuki...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leeteuk tells Kangin about his father and his first love...

 

 

~     Chapter 07:  Yuki     ~

_Leeteuk snuggles in behind Kangin as he slips his arms around him pulling him into a_

_protective embrace, “You’re mine now Woon-ah and I’ll never let you go...”_

****

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

** [Don't Go_EXO](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7I7HbWtstY&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=20) **

** (Your eyes are strong but soft, I can’t deny you, take me...) **

 

****

It’s early and the sun is just breeching the horizon as Kangin tries to crawl out of bed, Teukie grabs his wrist, "Where are you going?"

Kangin flinches, “Uhm, I was going to take a shower then head back to the dorm.”

 

Leeteuk’s exhausted and not in the mood, “You’re not leaving...”

 

Kangin sits up, “I need to cook breakfast for the guys.”

 

Leeteuk growls as he pulls Kangin down next to him as he snuggles into the younger boy, “It's too early to go anywhere.”

 

Kangin slips his hand up Teukkie’s back rubbing circles, “If I wait the traffic will be too bad...”

 

Leeteuk opens his eyes frowning up at Kangin, “I won’t let you pull away from me...”

 

Kangin closes his lids, his hand stops moving, “I'm not _good_ for you...”

 

Leeteuk shift his head to look up at him, “Uhm...you’re perfect for me.”

  
Kangin’s arms slaps against the cushion as he stares at the ceiling, “No seriously, I—I’m fuckin’ nuts Teukkie...”

  
Leeteuk rubs his hand across Kangin’s chest, “Not true...I grew up with crazy and you’re not even in the same time zone.”

   
Kangin’s voice breaks, “I-I don't even know what happened last night.”

  
Leeteuk pushes himself up on his elbow, “Min, you had a minor episode...that’s all.”

 

Kangin turns to look at him, “ _Episode?”_

  
Leeteuk slips his palm to the younger boy’s cheek, “Yes, a physical reaction to an emotional or psychological overload—most people call them breakdowns.”

 

Kangin looks away scowling, “I’ve never… _that’s_ not normal.”

  
Leeteuk chuckles, “Actually it’s _very_ normal for us.”

 

Kangin sighs returning his gaze to the older boy, “What do you mean… _us_?”

 

Leeteuk smiles, “I mean...those of us who aren’t _straight_.”

 

Kangin drops his eyes, “Oh—right...”

 

Leeteuk lays back down, “Look Min, everyone has tolerances and boundaries...little ways to deal with things that push us to the edge.”

 

Kangin’s pounds the cushion with his fist, “I know that—but fuck!  I don’t even know _what_ happened or _why_.”

 

Leeteuk closes his eyes for a minute biting his lip, “The _what_ is simple—your brain pulled the emergency stop to keep your body from _performing_ —the _why_ is different for all of us...it could be one thing or 100 different ones, but usually it’s a combination of things that triggers a false or alternate response to something you’re trying to do.”

  
Kangin’s still frustrated, “I don’t understand.”

 

Leeteuk observes Kangin’s profile, “Min, your body was touching another man in a sexual way.  Your heart was alright with it and maybe even your conscious self, but somewhere in your head, on a subconscious level, you were being told it was wrong.  When you didn’t listen, your internal programing kicked in and tried to override you from doing something stupid...in this case, having sex with another male.  Your brain hijacked your libido, which was already in drive and easy to tweak, that’s what created the mental barrier...it was trying to _force you to stop_.  It’s on the same par as the fight-flight principle but there’s just more pain and confusion involved.”

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

** [Fuckin'Perfect_Pink](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_&index=21) **

** (It’s enough...I’ve done all I can think of, chased down all my demons, I’ve seen you do the same **

 

 

 

Kangin questions, “Jesus Christ Teukkie, how the fuck do you even know this shit?”

 

Leeteuk exhales loudly, “Ask me that again in a couple years...”

 

Kangin’s flustered, “But pain?”

 

Leeteuk nods, “Yes, pleasure turned upside down is pain.  Let me ask you this, have you ever had that happen with a woman?”

 

Kangin blinks at the tears flooding his eyes, “Uhm n-no, never...”

 

Leeteuk watches the drops of saline slip down the younger’s temple only to get lost in ebony hair, “Look...Min, you pushed through this block and that pretty much removes it from the inventory, okay?”

 

Kangin turns to look at Leeteuk, “Pretty much...but of course there’ll be more, right?”

 

Leeteuk sighs pushing up on his elbow and cupping the younger boy’s face, “I won’t lie to you.  I can’t say you’ll ever be free from this shit.  We’ve all been psychologically imprinted according to parental and societal gender roles since birth...it’s not easy to escape from them.”

 

Kangin lets out a soft sob, “A-and this happens to everyone?”

 

Leeteuk caresses the younger boy’s cheek, “No not everyone, there are people who never suffer mini breaks—but that doesn’t mean they’re _alright_ —they just channel the frustration into different areas of their lives...they suffer in other ways.”

 

Kangin swallows hard, “I don’t follow...”

 

Leeteuk slips his fingers into Kangin’s silky locks, “Min, the world if full of dysfunctional people...ranging from sociopaths, workaholics, shopaholics, drug and alcohol addicts, to the sexually frustrated, depressed and the lonely—and encompassing anything and everything in between—because **everyone** is plagued with various mental and physical disabilities... **no one** is perfect and the word _normal_ shouldn’t even **exist** in this world.”

 

Kangin stares at Leeteuk through tears, “Sometimes it’s like another person is living inside my head screaming at me—telling me to do things—but I can’t stop him.”

 

Leeteuk takes a deep breath and exhales, “Yeah—I know that guy well...”

 

Kangin’s eyes slip back to the ceiling, “Perfect...on top of my anxiety and depression I get to deal with even more mental issues and now physical glitches too?  How the hell do I fix any of this shit when I don’t understand what’s fucking causing it?”

 

Leeteuk drags his palm down to Kangin’s chest absently tracing circles with his finger, “You don’t need to know the reasons behind it in order to fix the problem—believe me Min, it is possible...I’m living proof.”

 

Kangin rolls onto his side to look at Leeteuk, “Teukkie, you’re an angel...how can you be proof?”

 

Leeteuk smiles sad, “We’ve known each other for years and we’ve been roommates just as long but you’ve never once asked me about my childhood...my father.”

 

Kangin lowers his eyes, “You never brought it up and I d-didn’t...” he just sighs.

 

Leeteuk’s eye gleam from unshed tears, “Well...I’m sure you’ve already gathered a great deal through the talking in my sleep and nightmares over the years, but if you want me to answer your question truthfully then I need to tell you about one of the last incidents that happened before I was recruited by the company...are you ok with that?”

 

Kangin nods as he wipes Leeteuk’s tear-stained face then places a kiss on his forehead before wrapping the older boy in his arms.

 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

** [Numb_Linkin Park](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU&index=22&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_) **

(Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control; ‘Cause everything that you thought I would be, Has fallen apart right in front of you **...** )

 

 

Leeteuk takes a shaky breath before he begins, he’s only shared this story with one other and that person no longer belongs to this world...

 

Teukkie stifles a sob and then begins...

 

When I was 15 my father saw me kissing my best friend.  He chased the boy off and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me.  My father broke three of my ribs and gave me a concussion before my mother could stop him.  I was in the hospital for almost two weeks and for the next 5 years I only dated women, when I did date.

 

Kangin squeezes Leeteuk’s hand, “I’ve always hated him, you know...since the beginning.”

 

Leeteuk hiccups, “I-I know Kangin, but I’m the one who’s supposed to love him and I can’t...I’m just too numb.”

 

Kangin tries to change the subject, “So you’re not bisexual?”

 

Leeteuk sniffles letting out a dry laugh, “Uhm no, I’m very gay and always have been—I don’t have a single memory of being attracted to a woman—although I’ve dated several girls over the years and in the beginning I even managed to kiss a few of them, but I could never sleep with them...I only have a physical attraction to men.”

 

Kangin lifts his head to look at Leeteuk, “You hid your feelings from that demon...”

 

Leeteuk smiles sadly, “Yeah, I hid myself from the world after that incident.  Not because I believed my father was right—I was just too scared of him to do anything else and I believed everyone else was like him.”

 

Kangin tightens his hold on the older boy, “I wish you could see yourself the way I do, Teukkie...”

 

Leeteuk weeps, “I have emotional and physical scars, Min—I’m flawed and broken...just like everyone else.”

 

Kangin rolls the boy onto his back caressing his cheek, “No, _in my eyes_ you’re perfect Cheonsa, I love you...” as presses a sweet kiss to the older boy’s mouth as Leeteuk clings to him sobbing.

 

After a while, Leeteuk clears his throat and attempts to continue—he’d wanted to tell Kangin about Yuki for years now and this time he needed to follow through with it...

 

 

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

** [The Truth Beneath The Rose_Within Temptation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPjPy6gAmXA&index=23&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_) **

(Forgive me for what I have been, forgive me my sins....)

 

 

Most of the lies stopped after I turned 16 and was recruited as a trainee by the company. 

 

Four years after that I attended a dance competition held in Japan and I made it to the final qualification round. 

 

Because of my looks I was placed in a promotional campaign with one of the older Japanese male dancers—the Japanese officials said we made an _aesthetically pleasing couple_.

 

Kangin pulls Leeteuk closer, “Yuki?”

 

Leeteuk hesitates for a minute as he threads his fingers through the younger boy’s soft locks, “Talking in my sleep again?”

 

Kangin replies, “Uhm...”

 

Right...so, even though I spoke Japanese very well, my manager was reluctant to sign the contract because the fan service in Japan was held to a higher level of eroticism and they didn’t want my image tainted.

 

After lengthy negotiations, the contract specified two photo shoots and two other random events that were to be coordinated by both Japanese and Korean representatives. 

 

The fine print stated both singers would touch affectionately and kiss at all public venues however the nudity and blatant eroticism would be kept to a minimum and limited to the photo shoots.

 

The first shoot was cancelled after two hours. 

 

Yuki and I weren’t properly introduced and we had only greeted each other in passing so I didn’t know him and the intimate poses and skin-to-skin contact made me physically ill...to the point of throwing up.

 

I actually thought I was sick because fan service wasn’t new to me and I’d done several photo shoots prior to that trip.

 

The Japanese executive was extremely angry, even though my managers tried to calm him down by explaining Korean trainees, unlike the seasoned idols, were slowly introduced into these types of erotic jobs. 

 

The representatives decided Yuki and I should share a room so we could work on our _bonding_ issues without outside influences mucking it up. 

 

The Japanese coordinated an apartment a few blocks from the dorm for added privacy and picked up the tab—insisting they were protecting their investment—due to the contract and tight shooting schedule.

 

Our first night alone, Yuki took me out sightseeing and we had dinner at his favorite restaurant then walked around a carnival.

 

Before going home we stopped for drinks and more food at a local bar.

 

We had a great night and a lot of fun because we actually had a great deal in common. 

 

The whole night, while out in public, Yuki never touched me even though the contract mandated it.

 

I began to feel comfortable around him and I appreciated his sincere effort at friendship...it made me trust him.

  
When we arrived back at the building we got off the elevator on the wrong level.

 

Only one of the two elevators stopped on the 8th floor because of the indoor pool, so when we finally located the right one and located our room, we were laughing like a couple of kids. 

 

Yuki unlocked the door and when it closed behind us he grabbed my wrist and guided my back against the wall. 

 

He stepped into my personal space and we stood there staring at each other in the dim light for a minute before he asked, “May I kiss you?”

 

We were away from prying eyes, contracts and corporate agendas and with that one sweet, unassuming question, he stole my heart so I uttered a faint _yes._

When he pressed his lips to mine I thought my heart was going to explode. 

 

We couldn’t deny the attraction we’d felt lingering between us all night long but neither of us wanted to be the first to place a finger on the other after how badly the photo shoot had ended. 

 

Yuki’s hands remained on the wall next to my shoulders while I balled mine into fists at my sides. 

 

The kiss was gentle but my breathing was labored because of my fear. 

 

Honestly, I was scared to death because I couldn’t see this situation ending any differently than the one with my father and I waited anxiously for someone to rip us apart and beat me into unconsciousness, just like before...but it never happened.

 

My hidden life and buried feelings begged and pleaded for freedom that night and in the end, I believe it was sheer loneliness that drove me into his arms.

 

With that one simple kiss I’d lost my resolve...I wasn’t willing to fight anymore.

 

I no longer possessed the strength needed to push myself away from those languid kisses and everything that could follow.

 

When Yuki finally pulled away from me, he watched me for a second before saying, “Now, you—kiss me.”

 

I didn’t understand until he backed away to the opposite wall.

 

My eyes teared and I had to look away—he was letting me make the decision to continue or stop by giving me both distance and time before we went any farther.

 

I was battling my inner demons, my fear tangible, but I wasn’t ready to stop—I wanted more—and I wanted to kiss him knowing where it would lead.

 

I tried to casually wipe the tears from my face as I took two paces forward before a vision of my father’s angry face clouded my mind and I stopped, shaking in fear.

 

My father wasn’t in Japan—I knew this—so I was able to push that thought aside until I could finally take another step in his direction. 

 

When I was standing in front of Yuki tears were streaming down my face so I couldn’t see him clearly. 

 

I wanted to ask his permission—because he’d shown me the same respect but, I was afraid he would reject me...I was a basket case.

 

After an eternity, I made my decision, took a deep breath and raised my chin. 

 

He was watching intently as I closed the short distance bringing me deep into his personal space as I choked out, “Mmmm...k-kiss you?”

 

A beautiful smile lit up his face making his eyes sparkle in the muted light, “Yes...before I die of want.”

 

I had never initiated a kiss before so the butterflies in my stomach were doing backflips as I rested my palms on the wall behind him. 

 

As I slowly lowered myself to him I could feel his warm breaths puff across my face pushing courage into my lungs. 

 

I felt tremors running through my entire body as I closed my eyes and finally pressed my lips to his.

 

He responded without hesitation and the kiss became possessive and carnal but still without hands. 

 

I could feel lightening spark across my tongue as he pulled away breaking the connection, “Touch me...” 

 

I knew what he meant but, I lacked even the most modest of experience with this, so I dropped my eyes not knowing what to do or how to accomplish it. 

 

Then I felt his hand close around my wrist and he placed it against his chest, “Unbutton it...”

 

I wrestled with my nervousness as I unfastened his shirt then slipped my trembling hands against his bare flesh. 

 

The intimate contact brought such intense feelings I lifted my hands as if burnt. 

 

He bumps my forehead with his, “You feel it too...”

 

My emotions were running hot and the electricity between us was way too intense—I couldn’t think and I didn’t know how to process any of it...“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do.”

 

Smiling he says, “Shhh, you’re perfect...”

 

I didn’t know how to respond to that, I’d never had anyone say those words to me before so I just stared at him with my mouth open, he kissed me then said, “I want to touch you...”

 

By this time, I couldn’t hide my desire as the word, “Please...” tumbled from my mouth resembling more of a plea than a confirmation, but he ran with it.  

 

This time, when he kissed me, he tucked me into him then spun me around pressing me up against the wall as his deft fingers worked the buttons.

 

Yuki untucked the shirt from my jeans and slipped the garment over my shoulders and his hands were everywhere before it hit the floor.

 

The sensations he ignited across my body were driving me quickly into uncharted waters and I clung to him for life and every breath knowing if I let go I would surely drown...  

 

When his teeth sank gently and possessively into the tender area below my ear I heard myself moan out loud, “Omo...”

 

The man swallowed every word with a passionate kiss after that, “Let me love you...”

 

My senses were blurry, to the point of needing faith to breathe, but I was able to squeak out an audible _yes_.

 

I wanted more of him—no barriers—but I was shaking so badly I couldn’t work my own fingers.

 

Yuki grabs his shirt yanking it open, scattering the buttons across the entryway, as he peels the offending fabric from his body, “Bed?”

 

I couldn’t fathom what he was asking as he continued, “Couch?  Floor?  Kitchen counter?  Dining table?”

 

I giggled at his strange words and Yuki pulls back watching me. 

 

It was the first time I’d been able to relax since our initial kiss and the older boy was absolutely glowing down at me.

 

When I realized Yuki’s eyes were trained on me with an intense look on his face I was embarrassed and turned my head away, “I thought you were joking...”

 

Yuki slips his knuckle beneath my chin pulling my gaze back to his but I panicked spitting out broken apologies, “I—I’m sorry, I d-don’t know...”

 

I thought he was angry with me so I tried again to explain, “Yuki, I-I can’t please you...”

 

Yuki smiled warmly—tightening his grip on my waist and neck—not wanting me to bolt from the room, “But you _are_ pleasing me...you’re absolutely perfect Teukkie.”

 

I swear, my entire body blushed from his comment and I tried to push him away—he had to be lying—tears spilled down my face, “How? I don’t know anything!”

 

Yuki pulls me into a hug, “Shhh, baby please...God, you’re incredible and I’m trying so desperately not to fall in love with you right now...” 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

** [Just a Little Bit of Your Heart_Ariana Grande](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0-50nRyuy8&index=24&list=PLlVqMq0qWzjUBXQPmsXZkjR9ujDgJPd6_) **

** (Just a little bit of your heart, Just a little bit of your heart, just a little bit is all I’m asking for...) **

 

 

Kangin rolls over onto his back pulling Teukkie onto his chest, “He was your first love?”

 

Leeteuk nuzzles his face into Kangin’s neck, “Hhm, but because of the incident with my father it proved to be a very emotional and overwhelming 3-day long affair.”

 

Kangin rubs circles on the older boy’s back, “He helped you through a few _episodes_?”

 

Leeteuk nods as the tears flow, “Min, do you know what the most amazing thing about a self-actualized gay man is?”

 

Kangin chuckles, “Not a clue...”

 

Leeteuk smiles, “It’s their ability to empathize and navigate the residual emotional trauma brought about by stereotypes, labels and narrow minded people.  And for one simple reason...because at one point in their life, most of them had to deal with similar issues.”

 

Kangin sighs, “Experience is the best teacher.”

 

Leeteuk continues absently, “Yuki called both of us into work sick, asked for the company physician to be sent to the apartment and both he and the doctor ran interference with both companies and all the staff for three whole days—and he never once let go of me.  He was fearless as he led me through the endless minefield inside my head—erected by the world...reinforced by my father.  Yuki helped me break the chains that bound me, showed me how to fly and taught me how to love.”

 

Kangin smiles, “He sounds like a remarkable person...”

 

Leeteuk’s eyes flood with tears, “In retrospect, it’s a miracle the companies retained us.  And, to this day, I truly believe it was because of the unequaled quality of those pictures...they are what saved us.  The photographer had remarked that he’d never seen such overpowering chemistry between two male models before.  There wasn’t one bad frame in the 100 plus rolls of film he shot and they were able to use every last one without any reshoots.” 

 

Kangin knows there’s a reason the two men aren’t together and even though he’s afraid to ask he feels like he has to, “So did Yuki debut with a Japanese band?”

 

Leeteuk lets out a small sob, “No actually, his company sent him to Thailand for a signing competition where he was signed to a duo act by a well-known Thai entertainment company...about the same time I started with Super Junior.”

 

Kangin feels the sadness within Leeteuk so he presses the older boy further, “How long’s it been since you’ve seen him?”

 

Leeteuk continues numbly, “We were making plans to meet when I got a text message from his bandmate, Rahal, asking if he could call me.  I took the call right before we went on stage—our debut at the Tokyo Dome.  Rahal told me that Yuki had been stabbed while trying to stop two gang members from beating up a young male prostitute outside a nightclub—he didn’t make it through surgery because he’d lost too much blood—but his actions saved the younger man.”

 

Kangin pulls Leeteuk into a tight embrace, “Oh my God Teukkie, I’m so sorry!  I remember you being emotional that night but we all were.  Fuck, I thought it was just because of being at the Dome.”

Leeteuk cries, “Min...I’ve never told anyone about him—I couldn’t get the words out.”

Kangin pushes Leeteuk onto his back, wipes his tears away and kisses his wet cheeks, “Baby, I’m so sorry you never got to say goodbye...he meant so much to you.”

Leeteuk’s sobs stole the breath from Kangin’s lungs...his heart ached for his best friend and seeing him like this made him feel absolutely helpless.  All he could do was hold the older boy until they both fell asleep in each other’s arms, completely torn apart and raw.

_“I will keep you close to me, shower you with love and keep you safe so no one will ever hurt you again—just a little bit of your heart is all I’m asking for...”_

 

~   ~   ~   ~   ~   To Be Continued   ~   ~   ~   ~   ~ 


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